Permission to be Unpopular, Elphaba

With No Apologies to Arianne or Glinda.

We all want to be liked. PERIOD.

There’s scientific and neurological evidence for this.

When I first heard the “Popular” song in the Wicked musical 20 years ago, it sounded right to me. I didn’t question it. It was just a musical, but I supported Glinda’s efforts.

When I heard it in the Wicked movie a few months ago, it sounded more satirical.

I thought: Are people still seeking popularity in the same way?

Especially when I could hear my daughter’s voice in my head, referring to the people she was NOT: “Mom, those people need validation from the teacher…..and need everyone to like them.”

Hmmmmmm.

***************

As a teenager, popularity was….the thing to be….or I so I thought. Culture seemed to give an emphatic nod about it. I remember Sally Field saying upon receiving an award : “You like me, you really like me!”

It sure seemed like the key to success. And to be fair, it CERTAINLY helps.

As I went out into the world, this idea persisted.

So consciously, I sought popularity from an early age. I was being myself, but getting others to like me was always a general goal.

As I came into my 30s and 40s, it seemed less important.

For awhile I thought I had dropped this idea of popularity all together. The building of a relationship with myself, the awakening to life via LESS popular decisions like…..

—Spending time alone
—Serving in the Peace Corps
—Polyamory
—Medicine journeys
—Dancing in public
—Doing breathwork
—Getting my nose pierced
—Wearing sparkly dresses
—Reinventing my business
—Sending my child to a Waldorf school
—Having a shit car
—Taking a yoga training
—Moving abroad

……..had led to fresh decisions and self expression.

I was changing my identity. I was being more bold and irreverent with my decisions. I broke more rules. I definitely felt less of a craving for approval. Or maybe I still craved it, but I could live without it.

And with each pattern interrupt, I thought—I told myself—that I was caring less about what people thought. And I was.

But it turns out these things were also true:

1. I started judging myself less…..which in turn made me judge other people less, which in turn made me less fearful of others’ judgment. It’s a fascinating circle. We worry about others judgment and our own likeability, but its usually our OWN feelings for ourselves that sting the worst.

2. I still cared what people thought. Yep. I just wanted them to think I was a rebel. I wanted to make sure they KNEW I was NOT following the rules. And I wanted the right people to like me or respect me for it!

This is all good personal growth, but it doesn’t actually release the need to be liked.

But then, when I stopped being afraid of being alone…..
When I was honest with myself about my fears and the true nature of my freak-outs,
When I started liking myself a little more

(and this happened, messily, across 9 years)

I began working on feeling WHOLE, all by myself, ……

—even when I seem to be my only fan
—even when I’m not liked by others
—even without gold stars from a partner, a dog, a child, an audience, a stranger, a client, a book, a testimonial, a barista.

THAT is the real work. The real release of the need for popularity.

The ability to find peace when your partner leaves you.
The caring for your nervous system when you don’t get into your first choice college.
The perseverance when your business tanks because of AI
The sitting in discomfort and deciding to move on after you get laid off
The resilience after you feel rejected from your teenager
Finding a home in your own heart instead in someone else’s

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We all want to be liked. And that’s ok. As long as we can start by liking ourselves first.

What if Elphaba would have kept going with her unpopular self….without Glinda’s help? What if she was an independent thinker amongst the Shiz collective? What if she formed her own group of followers? What if they had released the need to be popular, and embraced AUTHENTIC a little more?

It’s just a movie. And I know there are a lot of Wicked lovers out there. Jus sayin’…..

Permission to be unpopular. No matter your color. No matter your personality.

Less should, more shine,

Love

Andrea

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