Permission to Be Submissive
.....and just let someone else fucking decide.
For several years, I had an unconventional romantic relationship, where I left my house once a month and flew across the country for a few days…….
I decided when I would visit and I paid for my flight……but I let someone else be in charge of everything else:
When to get up. (late morning)
What movie to watch. (think Fight Club with a dash of High Fidelity)
What concert to go to. (Jason Isbell, The National & Lord Huron)
When to go to bed. (late)
What to have for dinner (steak sandwiches, Trader Joes gnocchi)
What hockey team to root for. (Bruins or Oilers)
What song to sing. (something intense and maudlin)
It was a BEAUTIFUL ESCAPE. No kids, no house, no work, no responsibility.
This was not a formal agreement, I still had plenty of freedom of expression, and at the time, I welcomed this new pattern……with relief, surrender and pleasure.
Because I didn’t want to think about it anymore.
I didn’t want to decide.
I was tired or organizing and planning and figuring it out.
And I trusted him to choose thoughtfully.
And this abstinence from decision-making allowed me to put more energy and thought and creativity into other parts of my life. It was a big bonus.
At the time, my friends were intrigued by this guy:
—OMG, that sounds amazing.
—OMG, what a relief that would be.
—OMG, that is my dream.
—OMG, where can I get one?
I was clearly not alone in my taking pleasure in the submissive!
But my situation was under the radar, far from my own community, less public than most relationships.
Because….wait….submissive? Are you kidding me? Surrender? Not be bold? Not roar? Can a woman really do that in today’s world? If that’s what we want, why aren’t we getting it?
Could I have done that in a traditional marriage?
I’m not sure.
*************************
But what if there’s nothing wrong with letting someone else be in charge?
What if there’s nothing wrong with outsourcing life’s little daily decisions?
“But Andrea, I don’t want someone else to decide. I have very particular preferences about my sandwich and my airplane seat and what is written on my daughters Sweet 16 birthday cake.”
I get it. I did too.
Which is why I’ve put together this tutorial.
Five Steps to Help You Move Toward A Little Submission
Stop worrying about SOME of the details. ha! I would have laughed and judged you if you’d said this to me a decade ago. But there came a point when I was like: Why am I wasting energy on these minute details? Why not spend time on my nails or my piano song or my painting or my garden or my cooking or my team logistics?
Example: Stop responding to the group text about the location of the brunch. Stop weighing in about which AirBnB you get on the girls trip. Dare ya.Learn to detect what “wants to happen” and just choose that option. It’s not easy, but the concept is simple. Just consider what is in most ease. What will require the least amount of smoke signals, discussion, voice messages, texts, debate…..and do that.
Example: See above. Same thing.Try out the phrase: It would make me so happy if you chose FOR me. EDGY! This does not make you weaker, it makes you wiser. I am taking so much joy in saying this lately.
Example: What do you want for lunch? What movie should we see? When do you want to leave? Where should we go to dinner? What color should the carpet be? Which route should we take? (It is fucking endless)
Say “Yes, good idea!” instead of “I don’t care”. What I’ve learned is that “I don’t care” inspires my own passive-aggression. Because I typically DO have an opinion. And that opinion will work its way out of my body and into the air at some point. Usually later. When I’m irritated with how things have turned out. So not cool. “Great idea” actually inspires my own enthusiasm and I carry it forward more easily.
Example: Shall we go roller skating? “Yes! Great idea.”
Read a book about BDSM. I used to think BDSM was only whips and chains and was only for the bedroom and was about a power dynamic that sounded a LITTLE BIT scary. I was wrong about all of that. I’ve learned that the SUB (submissive person) actually has more power than the DOM (dominant person). I learned that sub/dom energy can exist in every day life (I’ll pick you up at 5 for yoga, wear the ❤️ pants). And I learned that it;s very much about surrendering to MYSELF and my deepest desires.
Example: Prerequisites to Ecstasy, by Om Rupani
Can you delve into the deeper, darker backstairs of your heart and mind…..and ask…….
……what do I really want? Can you be open to your answer with radical acceptance? Can you give yourself compassion? Can you refrain from judgment?
And so I’ll ask again:
—What if it was okay to request someone tell you what to do?
—What if it was OK to ask someone else to make some of the decisions?
—What if you could release responsibility for awhile?
—What if the other person felt empowered about the whole thing?
—What if it was a win-win?
More how-to’s on the ask in the next substack….
Less should, more shine,
Love
Andrea
😍 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍
I’m Andrea. Entrepreneur. Author. Speaker. Permission Coach. Podcaster. Returned RPCV. B Movie Actress. Garage sale addict. I give women with “Mid Life Meh” permission to change their life so they can stop numbing out to Netflix and start narrating their own fairytale.
My clients go from hurting and hiding to “Holy shit, I’m ALIVE” and
from “petrified of disappointing others” to “powerful decisions”
*******Get your Permission Starter Kit here. Just $79 for a care package filled with:
❤️ A Quiz: What’s Your Biggest Block to Freedom?
❤️ Five Days of Journal Prompts for Stubborn People
❤️ Morning Verse: Permission to be Alone (audio!)
❤️ Permission to Dance : A Playlist with Freedom
******Listen to my podcast, Permission To Be Human for real-time and raw insights on how to be brave in relationship with your partner, yourself, God, creativity and more.
******Follow me down a dark alley, er I mean on Instagram, andreaenright_ (Spoiler alert: a lot of dancing)