Permission to Ask for What You Want
Sally did.
Do you typically ask for exactly what you want?
Most of us don't. I didn't. For years.
*************There's a scene in When Harry Met Sally.......
You MIGHT have heard of it. No, not THAT one. An earlier one.
Sally says to the waitress:
"I'd like the chef salad with the oil and vinegar on the side and the apple pie a la mode. But I'd like the pie heated and I don't want the ice cream on the top I want it on the side and I'd like strawberry instead of vanilla if you have it, if not then whipped cream, but only if its real, if its out of a can, then nothing."
The waitress is surprised, yes. But are there really any consequences? No.
Sally is asking for exactly what she wants.
And we could all learn a thing or two.
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❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️Because it turns out asking for what you want at a restaurant is hard enough, let alone asking for what you want in the boardroom, in the bedroom or when under pressure at a Starbucks drive-through.❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
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How I Asked For What I Wanted Last Week
I was having a shit week. I'd just found out I needed a new dryer, my 16-year old was bitter about her new curfew and I'd just lost a client.
My boyfriend, Kevin Masten said: "What can I do to support you?" I said: "I don't know.....". and put my head in my hands and cried.
Later that night, I realized I knew exactly what I wanted him to do. I needed him to:
Hug me
Tell me: "Everything's gonna be ok. I love you. You're a good Mom." (assuming it was authentic)
Ask me: "Do you wanna talk about it?"
Call me in the afternoon to check on me.
That was what I needed. I already knew. But still.......I hesitated to tell him. I thought:
What if he didn't want to support me that way? (rejection)
Should I really have to tell him to do that? (cultural conditioning from RomComs that mind-reading is a superpower most people have)
Does he really want specific instructions? (I don't want to be too bossy)
It feels very needy to ask for all of this. (I don't want to be needy)
What if I told him and he never remembers anyway? (more rejection)
And then..........I worked up some courage.....I ignored the evil twin's voice in my head.....and.......I texted him exactly how he could support me.
(I've been working on this for YEARS, BTW)
His amazing response: "Those all work for me and they're authentic for me. I'm committed to figuring it out together. And I love you."
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Master of the Obvious Newsflash: You will only sometimes get what you want. But you'll NEVER GET WHAT YOU WANT if you don't ask.
I've Helped My Clients Ask for.....
More cuddle time in the evening.
To be free from dinner-making one night a week
A raise
More time before you answer a question
Another side of sour cream
A weekend alone
A new Vitamix
A divorce
Help carrying the groceries in
An hour alone
Less hummus on their pita
A hug when they get home
Sex twice a week
No decision-making after 8:00
To try polyamory
To spend 2 instead of 4 hours at their in-laws
To stay home for Christmas
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Common Objections to Asking For What You Want
And I can already hear your objections. It's ok. I understand:
"But Andrea, I really don't know what I want!"
"But, Andrea, when I try to think about what I want, my mind is blank."
"But Andrea, please don't make me decide!"
"But Andrea, I will be called a Karen."
"But Andrea, its easier just not to ask."
“But, Andrea, people want to know right away and I need time to think.”
At a meta level, what is holding you back?
In the moment, what is holding you back?
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How To Figure Out What You Want
I've realized that if I pause long enough, (five minutes, five days) I can at least figure out what I want. Thats a start. Here are some tips.
1) Time. Ask for a little more time to figure out your answer. Pausing is incredibly underrated in our culture. We don’t like to wait. We don’t like to be kept waiting. We’re standing at the deli counter with a bored-looking, triple-face-pierced 20-something at the register and he’s waiting for us to order!! Get with the program! I know. This is why I often look ahead at the menu. That’s one option. The other is to literally say: “I need a minute.” and actually take it. It can be uncomfortable. Painfully so. But feeling into your body is the first step toward figuring out what you want.
2) Breathe. Six counts in, four counts at the top, eight counts out. This can be done as a morning ritual or in the moment. We’re all tired of hearing it, but it does actually work. So just stop complaining.
2) Release your sphincter. Yes, that's what I said. Do it again. I heard a cranio sacral practitioner say that if all our sphincters were a little more open, we’d be a much happier society. Ever heard of poo-phoria? It’s the relaxed state you’re in after you have your morning poop. And it is an absolutely natural high. Mainly because you’ve just relaxed your sphincter (anecdotal, not scientific). Our body leads the way and keeps the score and is more in charge than our mind.
3) Choose one thing. Not six, not 74. One thing you want. Most of us get overwhelmed. There’s too many templates on Canva. Too many varieties of rice at Whole Foods. Too many photos of the girls weekend. The result? We don’t create the banner, we give upon our rice preferences, and we never make that photo book. So just start small. Back to that deli order. I like reuben sandwiches.
4) Write it down. Back of an envelope works just fine. This is a small step, but an important one. The act of recording what you want is just one step toward freedom. It’s in the journal, on the counter, on the back of the envelope that feel between the stove and the counter. Somebody, at some point, will see it again. Maybe your sister. Maybe you. Maybe the guy who busy your house in 10 years. Whatever. YOU WERE HERE. YOU ASKED FOR WHAT YOU WANT.
5) Whisper it to yourself. Softly, with compassion. "I want to......". Now do that ten times.
6) Say it out loud on Voxer (to a friend) or into your Voice Memo app (free) every morning for a week. You can scream it or say it. Express it once or 33 times. With intention. Adding decorative lanugage as you go. (I really effing want to stop working at Trader Joes. I don’t like it anymore. I want to quit. lt doesn’t align with my life.) Then on Saturday listen back to your own messages. Be in a place where you can cry.
How to Ask for What You Want
That’s the next article. Stay tuned.
Less should, more shine,
Love,
Andrea
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I'm Andrea. Entrepreneur. Author. Speaker. Permission Coach. Podcaster. Returned RPCV. B Movie Actress. Garage sale addict. I give women with "Mid Life Meh" permission to change their life so they can stop numbing out to Netflix and start narrating their own fairytale.
My clients go from hurting and hiding to "Holy shit, I'm ALIVE."
Attend Permission to DANCE: How to Change Your Life in Five Steps. September 25th
******Listen to my podcast, Permission To Be Human for real-time and raw insights on how to be brave in relationship with your partner, yourself, God, creativity and more.
******Follow me down a dark alley, er I mean on Instagram, andreaenright_
Love this and the When Harry Met Sally reference!